Funny Telephone Phrases

Funny Telephone Phrases 9,2/10 8196 reviews

I need a bunch of ways to answer my phone humorously, in the vein of 'Jack's Mortuary, U Stab 'em, We Slab 'em', etc. This is in response to someone at work who has challenged me. How many can you help me with?
posted by pjern to Grab Bag (49 answers total) 36 users marked this as a favorite

Frank's Taxidermy, you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em!
Joe's Cryogenics, you kill 'em, we chill 'em!
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:22 PM on October 26, 2010

A friend used to say 'Bill's Mortuary; you kill 'em, we chill 'em'. Much the same as yours though.
posted by twirlypen at 11:23 PM on October 26, 2010

Steve's Crematorium, you ghost 'em, we'll roast 'em.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:26 PM on October 26, 2010

Bill's Roadside Diner: you kill 'em, we grill 'em!
posted by heeeraldo at 11:26 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

The next line for the 'you stab 'em, we slab 'em' one is:
Some go to Heaven, some go to Hellllll-o
posted by amyms at 11:27 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

My uncle was found of this one:
[Insert your last name here]'s Mule Barn. Head ass speaking.
posted by amyms at 11:27 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

Bob's Unusually Sourced Pig Feed Emporium, you chop 'em, we'll slop 'em.
Alex's Taxidermy World, You Snuff 'em, We'll Stuff'em.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:28 PM on October 26, 2010

Oh, and after you've assaulted your friend with an endless stream of these things and you're ready to end the joke, answer the phone by saying in a somber voice, 'Godfrey and Sons Funeral Home. How may we assist you in your time of need?'
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:31 PM on October 26, 2010

'Pinky's Porno Palace.. what's your pleasure?'
posted by mrmarley at 12:02 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Betty's BDSM Boutique. All of our operators are tied up right now, leave a message you bad bad boy.
posted by jamaro at 12:37 AM on October 27, 2010 [6 favorites]

'Abortion clinic, you knock em up, we knock em down, no fetus can defeat us, we have a special on twins today, how may I help you?'
posted by nooneyouknow at 12:47 AM on October 27, 2010 [8 favorites]

If it's a cell phone: 'I told you never to call me here'
posted by MuffinMan at 12:47 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

'PJern's castle, what's your hassle?'
posted by samthemander at 12:54 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

'Hanger Abortions, you rape 'em we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us'
posted by motown missile at 1:12 AM on October 27, 2010

what fresh hell is this?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:20 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

'Joe's Bra Shop: we fix flats.'
posted by TedW at 2:44 AM on October 27, 2010

Epicenter of the Universe, God Speaking..
posted by DreamerFi at 3:14 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

You've reached the worlds greatest psychic. Since I already know who you are and why you called, I'll, uh, talk to you later..
posted by Redhush at 3:53 AM on October 27, 2010 [2 favorites]

A simple, refreshing 'GHOSTBUSTERS WHADDAYA WANT?' can do wonders.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:40 AM on October 27, 2010 [3 favorites]

Bob's ambulance, you maul 'em we haul 'em.
Dr. Smith's fix it shop, you say it we spay it
Good morning, First Third Bank of the Firth of Forth.
Crockadollar Bank, We want your money.
posted by Kevin S at 4:58 AM on October 27, 2010

Randy's Radiators: a great place to take a leak.
posted by I'm Doing the Dishes at 5:15 AM on October 27, 2010

'House of Beauty, this is Cutie.'
'Fire Dept.: You light 'em, we fight 'em. We haven't lost a basement yet!'
'24-hour locksmith, you lock it, we pop it'
'Hello, Duffy's Tavern, where the elite meet to eat. Archie the manager speakin'. Duffy ain't here'
'Akbar and Jeff's Airport Snackbar, Where the elite meet to eat reheated meaty treats!'
'Sal's Ice Cream, where the elite meet to beat the heat!'
posted by sambosambo at 5:31 AM on October 27, 2010

I like to go with Ahoy-hoy, which was Alexander Graham Bell's favored method of answering his new invention.
posted by decathecting at 5:39 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Not exactly what you were looking for, but I usually just say 'Dominos' when I want to be a dick when answering the phone.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:06 AM on October 27, 2010

My favorite is 'Hello Batman's House, uhhh I mean Wayne Manor'.
posted by blackjack514 at 6:15 AM on October 27, 2010 [8 favorites]

'Psychic Pizza. $14.83. About thirty minutes.'
posted by Netzapper at 6:19 AM on October 27, 2010 [7 favorites]

Roadkill Cafe: you kill 'em, we grill 'em.
[LastName] Pecan farm, which nut would you like to speak to?
[LastName] Pizza: Will this be takeout or delivery?
posted by TooFewShoes at 6:20 AM on October 27, 2010

My mom had this audio tape that was all about life affirmations and self esteem. The part about answering the phone was especially hilarious. The speaker suggested that to brighten people's day, instead of answering the phone with a standard greeting, he now says (and he did this on the tape in an extremely jovial, almost screaming, manner) : 'TOP OF THE MORNIN TO YA !!'
Like a leprechaun.
posted by odinsdream at 6:34 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Dominoes Pizza, take out or delivery?
(don't answer, wait a minute, then call back) Who is this? (while munching a bag of cheetos works best)
posted by Ghidorah at 6:41 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

City zoo, rhino speaking.
posted by lemniskate at 6:44 AM on October 27, 2010 [2 favorites]

'Pjern's Steam Bath emporium, the Ritz of the Schvitz.. uh, you'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.'
posted by thusspakeparanoia at 6:53 AM on October 27, 2010

A word of warning: I once answered the phone with, 'Clancy's Mortuary: we carry out all we undertake'. It was one of my mother's employees calling to say she wouldn't be in because her mother died. To this day she laughs whenever she sees me.
Anyway, I went through a laundry list of these sorts of things when I was in high school until I settled on my favorite (though sadly anachronistic now): 'What city please?' That one stunned all callers. Even when I stopped and told my aunt it was me, she insisted she had the wrong number and would try again.
posted by yerfatma at 7:11 AM on October 27, 2010 [3 favorites]

Satan's Den, what in the Hell do you want?
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:38 AM on October 27, 2010

(If you have call display:) 'Hello, may I please speak to [caller's name]?' It temporarily throws some people. Fun when they say 'Hey, that's my line!'
posted by Hardcore Poser at 8:28 AM on October 27, 2010

'We're sorry. You've reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.'
posted by leapfrog at 8:57 AM on October 27, 2010 [7 favorites]

Answer with, 'Yeah, I'd like a large pepperoni, extra cheese..'
Or my favorite from college: 'Pediatrics.'
posted by dywypi at 9:02 AM on October 27, 2010

A guy I work with once answered the phone with 'Hello, you have reached the desk of [his name]. Unfortunately, I am available to take your call.'
posted by cottonswab at 9:48 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

'Urology department, can you hold please?'
posted by leapfrog at 9:51 AM on October 27, 2010

'Door to Door Dildo Delivery, no job too big or too small.'
posted by clavicle at 9:55 AM on October 27, 2010

'Hi, is $nameoncallerid there?'
posted by cmoj at 10:09 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

'Al's Pool Hall, We Rack 'Em, You Crack 'Em'.
Ah, college days..
posted by stellaluna at 10:17 AM on October 27, 2010

Scrooge McDuck always answered with 'Speak! It's your dime!'
posted by vorfeed at 10:28 AM on October 27, 2010

'FBI, [City] office. How may I.. Oh crap! *hang up*
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:33 AM on October 27, 2010

Hello, is this the party to whom I'm speaking ?
posted by Kevin S at 12:52 PM on October 27, 2010

Velvet Touch Massage Parlor . . . We never rub you the wrong way.
posted by IvanKalinin at 7:59 PM on October 27, 2010

'You've reached Acme Industrial Dog Washers. Now offering bulk rates for sixty collies or more.'
posted by Iridic at 11:11 PM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

You fight 'em, we last rite 'em.
posted by h00py at 6:25 AM on October 28, 2010

DreamerFi and cmoj stole my first and second suggestions. I used to answer ringing payphones with the 'epicenter' one quite frequently. It was very off-putting to the caller.
You can take a tip from Steve Martin in L.A. Story:
'Hi, this is <name>. I'm here right now, so you can talk to me. Please start talking at the beep. *beep*'
If you can do that sing-song voice that the lady in Office Space pulls off so perfectly, go for:
'Corporate-accounts-payable-Nina speaking. Just a mo-ment!'
Similar to cmoj's suggestion, you can start talking as if you're in the middle of a conversation. Lots of options there:
'Absolutely not!'
'Yes, of course. Don't be ridiculous.'
'I don't know; what do you think?'
'I think so, Brain, but if we didn't have ears, we'd look like weasels.'
posted by ErWenn at 9:14 PM on October 28, 2010

A friend in college used to answer 'Vatican West, God bless you'
posted by Araucaria at 12:23 PM on January 6, 2011

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Introduction

Asking and Answering Questions
Greetings and Introductions
Numbers and Time
Telephone Conversations
Eating Out and Shopping
Traveling
Going to the Doctor

Telephoning in English includes learning a number of special phrases, as well as focusing on listening skills. Some of the most important phrases include how to answer the phone, how to ask for others, how to connect, and how to take messages.

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Introducing Yourself

Here are a few ways to informally introduce yourself on the telephone:

This is Ken.
Hello, Ken speaking

If you'd like to reply more formally, use your full name.

This is Jennifer Smith speaking.
Hello, Jennifer Smith speaking.

If you are answering for a business, just state the business name. In this case, it's common to ask how you can help:

Good morning, Thomson Company. How may I help you?
Plumbers Insurance. How can I be of service today?

British / American Difference

Hello, this is Ken
Brighton 0987654

The first example response is in American English and the second is in British English. As you can see there are differences in both forms. The telephone articles include both British and American English, as well as phrases that are common to both forms.

In American English, we answer the phone stating 'This is ..' In British English, it's common to answer the phone by stating the telephone number. The phrase 'This is ..' is used only on the telephone to substitute the phrase 'My name is ..' which is not used to answer the telephone.

Asking Who Is on the Telephone

Sometimes, you'll need to find out who is calling. Ask them politely for this information:

Excuse me, who is this?
May (Can) I ask who is calling, please?

Asking for Someone

At other times, you'll need to speak to someone else. This is especially true when you telephone a business. Here are some examples:

Can I have extension 321? (extensions are internal numbers at a company)
Could I speak to..? (Can I - more informal / May I - more formal)
Is Jack in? (informal idiom meaning: Is Jack in the office?

Connecting Someone

If you answer the phone, you might need to connect the caller to someone at your business. Here are some useful phrases:

I'll put you through (put through - phrasal verb meaning 'connect')
Can you hold the line? Can you hold on a moment?

When Someone Is Not Available

These phrases can be used to express that someone is not available to speak on the telephone.

I'm afraid .. is not available at the moment
The line is busy.. (when the extension requested is being used)
Mr. Jackson isn't in.. Mr. Jackson is out at the moment..

Taking a Message

If someone isn't available, you might want to take a message to help the caller.

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Could (Can, May) I take a message?
Could (Can, May) I tell him who is calling?
Would you like to leave a message?

Continue practicing your skills by using the practical exercises below which include information on leaving messages on the telephone, how to ask native speakers to slow down, role plays on the telephone and more.

Practice With a Role Play

Begin by learning important telephone English with the dialogue below. Here is a short telephone conversation with some of the key phrases:

Operator: Hello, Frank and Brothers, How can I help you?
Peter: This is Peter Jackson. Can I have extension 3421?
Operator: Certainly, hold on a minute, I'll put you through..

Frank: Bob Peterson's office, Frank speaking.
Peter: This is Peter Jackson calling, is Bob in?

Frank: I'm afraid he's out at the moment. Can I take a message?
Peter: Yes, Could you ask him to call me at .. I need to talk to him about the Nuovo line, it's urgent.

Frank: Could you repeat the number please?
Peter: Yes, that's .., and this is Peter Jackson.

Frank: Thank you Mr. Jackson, I'll make sure Bob gets this asap.
Peter: Thanks, bye.

Frank: Bye.

As you can see, the language is rather informal and there are some important differences from face-to-face conversational English.

Asking and Answering Questions

Greetings and Introductions

Numbers and Time

Telephone Conversations

Eating Out and Shopping

Traveling

Going to the Doctor